If I Have Gay Children: Four Promises From A Christian Pastor/Parent

john pavlovitz

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll have gay children.

I’m not sure if other parents think about this, but I do; quite often.

Maybe it’s because I have many gay people in my family and circle of friends. It’s in my genes and in my tribe.
Maybe it’s because, as a pastor of students, I’ve seen and heard the horror stories of gay Christian kids, from both inside and outside of the closet, trying to be part of the Church.
Maybe it’s because, as a Christian, I interact with so many people who find homosexuality to be the most repulsive thing imaginable, and who make that abundantly clear at every conceivable opportunity.

For whatever reason, it’s something that I ponder frequently. As a pastor and a parent, I wanted to make some promises to you, and to my two kids right now…

1) If I have gay children, you’ll all know it.

My children won’t…

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Oh, Yes I Did!: Don’t Be A Priest

Drews contribution to The Monster in Your Closet. A must read! Excellent writing as usual. 😉

The Meaning Behind the Hair

I got a haircut!

I’ve needed one for months.  My mom gave me my last haircut back in August.  The only reason for not maintaining it was a lack of motivation or care.  This is what it boils down to….I just didn’t care and I had no motivation.  Very sad.

A few weeks ago my husband mentioned that he thought it was funny how I would stay in my comfy clothes all day.  I think he really did think it was funny.  For me, it was a wake up call.  When did I stop wanting to be my best self? When the opportunity to get this haircut presented itself I couldn’t pass it up.  A local salon offered a ‘No Pay, No Say’ opportunity – If selected, the haircut is free as long as you let them do whatever they want.  They wanted to do something short and funky.  I signed up.  A few days went by and then they contacted me. It wasn’t until I was seated in the salon did I realize the significance of the moment.  A new beginning.  A fresh start.  I suddenly realized that I *had* been ignoring myself.  My husband was right.  I had gotten comfortable.

For those of you that don’t know, my husband is a minister.  I have journeyed with him through discernment, seminary, and several new parishes.     Each step along the way believing that I had to fit a certain mold.  Fulfill others expectations of what a Ministers Wife should be. Toning down my sarcasm {which isn’t as easy as it sounds} and keeping my tattoos covered {yup.}.  Keeping my hair a certain way.  Safe.  It’s easy to say. “I will not sacrifice who I am for the church” and it’s not easy to actually follow through.  I have lost sight of myself in the last few years.  The twists and turns of life that define our character had finally worn me down.

I think we all have expectations we are trying to meet.  It’s how we handle them that defines who we are.  I don’t want to be defined by hiding my true self.  Cutting off my hair has given me a renewed sense of self.  I have shed all that was weighing me down and keeping me from being myself.  My true self.  I am sarcastic, artistic, kind, stubborn, loving, protective, creative, loud, loyal, funny, a mom, a niece, a sister, a daughter, an aunt, and a wife. I LOVE to read and watch TV and I never pass up a cold Dr. Pepper or a box of Cheez-its.  I enjoy a good party, especially if there is wine. I like painting my nails and dancing.  I can bake, crochet, and tat. The list goes on…I have no secrets.

I will still face expectations but now with my new, funky haircut I have a renewed sense of self.  I’m ready for anything life wants to throw at me. Now the questions is, can you set aside your expectations to see the person I am rather than the person you want me to be?

Yearly Blessings 2013

It’s been a couple years since we typed up a newsletter.  In 2011 we had one ready but never mailed it out.  We were preparing to move and it wasn’t a priority.  It’s here if you want to read it.  Drew does an excellent job with them.  He enjoys it.  He is so creative and makes sure everything is perfect.  Picks just the right pictures.  He just doesn’t have the time.  Every year I ask him to start before Thanksgiving and every year I’m nagging him by Christmas.  This year we decided to accept who we are {procrastinators} and send Happy New Year cards instead.  No newsletter.  There is no pressure to get them out by a certain time.  I’m aiming for the end of January.

Another reason for the delay this year is my internal struggle of the actual benefit of yearly newsletters.  Especially with Facebook.  Now that my mother-in-law has joined I feel that everyone I need to share with is right here.  I share a lot through Facebook and try so hard not to brag.  I try to find a good balance between bragging and being proud of my family and my own accomplishments.  It’s not easy.  Someone recently commented on the bragging nature of Christmas Letters.  Trips, good grades, fancy new houses….but what about the babies, weddings, baptisms, and personal triumph? Why shouldn’t we share? I think about all the newsletters I’ve gotten over the years and I always looked forward to them.  I love hearing about the trips, babies, and number of teeth lost.  But now I have this guy in my head telling me that newsletters are bad and we shouldn’t be focused on all that we’ve accomplished.  It’s not nice to brag.  Here’s my thought: I think the people that don’t like newsletters are missing an important piece.  The blessings.  We share our trips and number of teeth lost because we are so happy to have been blessed with good friends to visit and a child that may have taken years to adopt.  Should we change our wording? Probably.  But we shouldn’t stop doing newsletters all-together.  I’m hoping this compromise will be suitable.  This year I am going to share my blessings with you.  I’m not bragging.

I feel so honored to have been blessed with two beautiful children and a husband that continues to love me despite my refusal to do the dishes.  This year we spent most of January through March sick in one way or another but when Spring came we were able to celebrate Sophia’s 5th birthday, spend a week at a North Carolina beach with my sister and her beautiful family, and a weekend on a Lake Michigan beach with my good friend Kelli and her family.  All moments that I want to remember forever.  Carefree fun.  Sophia graduated from Preschool and we spent the summer playing outside, riding bikes, visiting Twigwicket {The Downs Family cottage}, and celebrating Isaiah’s 2nd birthday.  This year we spent time on Mackinac Island with cousins, I visited friends in Georgia, and Drew took a week long sabbatical to North Carolina for a clergy wellness retreat.  Drew and I celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary, Sophia started Kindergarten {Yikes!} and Isaiah is growing like a weed.  He talks as much as his big sister and running is the only way he knows how to get from point A to point B.  Drew works hard for St. Paul’s Episcopal Church in St. Clair and I continue to stay at home with the kids.  We visited the Detroit Zoo, Greenfield Village, and Sophia saw her favorite movie in 3-D, The Wizard of Oz.  When I look back all I see are  a lot of good memories.  A year full of blessings.  I loved every minute of 2013 and wouldn’t give any of it back.

I look forward to 2014 and hope that you do as well.  May you be blessed with a happy, peaceful year full of adventure and good memories.  Be sure to share them with me either on Facebook or at the end of the year with your Christmas Newsletter.  I want to hear all about your adventures.

On behalf of the Downs Family,

Rose

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Fast From Excess – Our Story II

The week is over and I wanted to share my menu as well as my thoughts about the fast itself.  {You can find information on the Fast from Excess on the event page here.} The very first thing I noticed is that buying food for a family of four gives us a lot more options that just buying for one.  It’s a struggle to balance a peanut allergy but we still ate well and as long as we managed our menu we were not hungry.  As I said in my previous post this is a normal budget for us except I always try to squeeze in paper products and diapers.  Drew and I made sure to budget in our evening snacks but I did refrain from buying a bottle of wine.

Menu

Friday Dinner: Ramen and fruit

Saturday Dinner: Pancakes and bacon, fruit, yogurt

Sunday Dinner: Steak, Fried Potatoes, Bag Salad

Monday Dinner: Kids had Mac n Cheese and we had bean tacos with cheese and sour cream

Tuesday Dinner: Pierogies, bacon, peas

Wednesday Dinner: Fried Chicken Legs, fried potatoes, frozen veggies, kids had cheese sticks and carrots

Thursday Dinner: Mac and cheese and hot dogs, frozen veggies

Also three loaves of bread and a half batch of cookies and popcorn.

Friday was hot dogs again.  Drew worked late and I keep it easy and kid friendly when Drew isn’t home. Tonight is chicken legs in rice mixed with cream soup with a side of veggies.  Basic but so good.  We still have enough groceries left from the week to do spaghetti.  Would have had it already but like I said, I don’t cook for the kids when I know they won’t eat it so I prefer to do kid friendly stuff to avoid the arguing.  That’s why I made sure to buy hot dogs and macaroni and cheese.  It’s the perfect meal to  have when Drew works late.  Stress free. I know that some that participated in the fast eliminated fruits and vegetable but I don’t think it’s necessary to go without.  One just has to shop smart.  We had apples, bananas, and bag salad as well as our frozen veggie stash.

Cereal and milk for breakfast every day. Toaster Pastries on Sunday.  Pack lunches for Sophia while Isaiah and I had yogurt and bologna and canned fruit.  Isaiah loves strawberry applesauce so we’ve gone through a ton this week.  I still have bananas  that are in need of becoming banana bread. I did discover that I didn’t have to buy a few things if I had planned better.  I already had them in the cupboard.  I know the challenge was to live on what we bought but realistically when a family is trying to make their dollars stretch they have to use everything.  It doesn’t matter if it was purchased last week or this week. I did break down and buy Dr. Pepper from McDonald’s about half way through the week (and every day after).  I couldn’t take it anymore.  Surprisingly, I didn’t drink coffee in the mornings and that’s unusual.  I think I was trying to make up for the Dr. Pepper. Drew was much more disciplined than I.  You can read about his experience here and here.

This challenge had me thinking about cookbooks.  Thousands of cookbooks available but not a single one for the poor and deprived.  I make light but seriously, I have never seen a cookbook entitled “Meals on less than 37$ a week”.  There are so many good, nutritious options out there we just need to educate.  We take for granted our ability to make do with what we find in the cupboard but not everyone has that knowledge.  Families buy the prepackaged food because they don’t know what to do with a chicken breast, rice, and cream soup.  And freezers are often empty because, not only do they need to eat all that they make but, there is also a lack of knowledge on what to do with something once it’s frozen.  Or if it can be frozen at all.  I did find this on my internet travels –  Grocery Budgeting for Two: Under $25 a Week has some great tips.  Tips we already follow and I highly suggest like make what you can from scratch…huge money saver.

The most rewarding thing for me to come out of this fast was/is the conversation with my daughter.  Today she will work at the Food Pantry along side her daddy.  I’m excited to hear of her experience and see where she goes with it.

Our Fast

Drew’s thoughts on our experiences so far this week.

A Fast from Excess – Our Story

The Fruits of our Labor – 2 weeks of groceries

Yesterday we began the Fast of Excess challenge that our Bishop, The Rt. Rev. Todd Ousley, challenged us with this week.  You can find more information here  on the FB Event page, here where our Bishop was interviewed for the Saginaw news, or here is the Times Herald article that was written.  We started our fast yesterday and found it easy since we hadn’t been grocery shopping yet.  My daughter requested Ramen for dinner (she likes the squiggly noodles).  We shopped this morning.  The very first thing I noticed about this challenge is that our budget {$200 for food and paper products, including diapers} already mirrors the average weekly benefit of a family of four {$103.55}.  The difference being that we have cash in hand.  I like to shop once per pay period so we doubled the benefit {$207.10} and set out.  We waited until we got to the store to plan our meals, we wanted to see what was on sale or discounted for quick sale.  Our goal was to cut back where we can and then use the extra money to eat out once or pick up some extra-special coffee one day (most likely Monday).  We could have done better but we faced our own challenges within the challenge.

Our daughter, Sophia, has a peanut allergy.  We have to be very cautious about what we buy.  We are big fans of fresh meat, fruits, and vegetables.  They are safe.  We buy many name brand products because we know we can trust them.  They label their products as nut free.  A barrier we came across is that many generic brands either do not label for cross-contamination/facility sharing or they label that their products are made on the same equipment as other products with peanuts.  As a mom that has had to watch my daughter go through an anaphylactic reaction, I will not take any chances on my daughters safety.  It’s not an option for me.  The name brands can afford to separate their products which makes them safe for us.  So much of what we bought could have been replaced by a store brand if we didn’t have to be cautious of what my daughter consumes.  But we do.  How do allergy parents live off of $103 a week when they have to be mindful of peanuts, egg, tree nuts, milk, soy, etc? The brands that are safe cost more.  Sun Butter is twice as much as regular peanut butter.  Also, I pack Sophia’s lunch for school everyday.   We can’t trust the school lunch 100% but I can trust what I make 100%.  I also try to make sure she doesn’t want to share with her friends so I buy the safe alternatives of a lot of the favored kid snacks.  Many families using SNAP also qualify for free or reduced lunch.  That helps the allergy parents stretch their dollar but how comfortable are they sending their child to school with only a semi-comfortable feeling about what they will be consuming that day?  They can avoid what they know like peanut butter but what about what they can’t see? I don’t feel comfortable taking those chances and I’m sure they don’t either but what choice do they have? This challenge is eating me up inside.

A Happy Peanut-allergy Kid

A bonus for us today was that many things were on sale and ended up being less than the store brand or generics so we were still able to buy our favorite yogurt and cheese products for less then the generics.  We found some great deals on chicken and beef that had been discounted for quick sale.  We were also sure to include flour so that we {and by we I mean Drew} can make bread. Living on a tight budget is nothing new to us.  There was a time in the not-so-distant past that we were making do on much less.  We rarely let things go to waste. I should have taken a picture of my cupboards before we shopped.  The only thing left was a couple boxes of raisins and some ramen.  And my kids don’t like raisins.  There was more, of course, because things get left behind every week but usually it’s baking supplies, spices, soup cans, and the occasional box of baking mix. I’ts not uncommon for us to be down to our last can of chicken noodle soup or black beans  and there is always the freezer…..I can almost always find a forgotten chicken breast and a bag of veggies.  I know that other families don’t have that luxury.  We bake a lot (it’s peanut free) so we enjoy cinnamon rolls and pancakes (except today because we ran out of milk before our shopping trip so we had dry cereal).  And we NEVER let leftovers go to waste.

Total $195.81 / 2 = $97.91 {one weeks spending} with $5.64 left over for milk if we run out. There can be no surprises. That’s nothing new for us but again, we are blessed with cash in hand.  Looking back at our trip there were definitely things that I didn’t *have* to buy. My justification at the time is that I’m taking care of my kids.  But what parent isn’t?

Please protect my kid!

Drew wrote this a week ago describing our very first experience with school.  There is a lot of passion and emotion behind this.  Please protect my kid!

 

 

Dear parents, you need to control your kids. Sincerely, non-parents

I like his candidness.

The Matt Walsh Blog

To the fan I lost yesterday:

I don’t owe you an explanation, but I thought I’d offer one anyway. I do this more for your sake than mine. You see, maybe, as you later suggested, I was in a bad mood. Maybe I could have been a bit more polite about it. Maybe I’m more sensitive to it now that I have kids. Maybe I’m just sick of hearing these comments about parents. Maybe I know that my wife has to take the twins with her when she goes grocery shopping sometimes, so she could easily be on the receiving end of your sort of bullying. Maybe I took it personally.

Whatever the case, there I was, walking down the aisles of the grocery store looking for the ingredients for a new chili recipe I wanted to try. I heard the kid screaming from a distance; the whole store heard…

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Happy Anniversary, Drew!

Today we celebrate our 8th Wedding Anniversary.  Our wedding day is such a blur.  I remember moments when looking at pictures but don’t remember much about the day otherwise.  I remember wanting to skip the wedding altogether and just get married on a whim.  Elope.  I didn’t care so much about the wedding and the party that followed.  All I wanted was to marry Drew and move forward.  Here we are 8 years later wondering where the last 8 years have gone.  So much has happened and there is still so much to look forward to.

Happy Anniversary, Drew.  I love you. xo

Here is a link to Drew’s blog post today.  A sweet, public anniversary message all for me.  🙂

http://drewdowns.net/2013/05/20/what-i-think-of-when-i-look-at-you/